5 Simple Tips To Help Your Children Cope With A Parent With Cancer
The six-letter word that can turn your whole upside down.
My husband has been diagnosed with stage four Nasopharyngeal Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Between a new diagnosis and a backbone for seven grieving kids. I have learned simple ways that have helped my children cope with their father’s cancer.
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Five simple tips to help your children cope with a parent with cancer
- PATIENCE
I learned that there are different stages you go through emotionally once you get a cancer diagnosis of a loved one. The first stage is grief.
I watched every single person in my family grieve differently. I analyzed them while I was caring for my husband through treatment. It wasn’t easy as I had constantly blamed myself for it. Some of my kids were confused and thought this cancer would bring death to our family. Some of my kids asked if they would get it too. Others were confused, and some didn’t know the magnitude of how this kind of news will affect an entire family.
PATIENCE AND PERSERVERANCE
While learning to be open and honest
I wanted to be completely transparent with my kids. If I didn’t have the answer, I’d tell them that I didn’t have it and that we would learn as we go. But instead, I had to tell them that I wasn’t sure if daddy would die but that we could continue praying for him. Learning to have patience amid our trial was the one quality that helped cease the most difficult days.
2. STRUCTURE
Once the news broke out about my husband’s cancer. I knew there would be lots of crying, lots of unanswered questions, and a lot of stress. I thought I was doing my familiar a favor when I decided to free my kids of all routines and schedules and allow them the freedom to do as they please. In my mind, this made sense. No crying kids = no stress. Boy, was I wrong!!
Once I reverted to regular routines and schedules, I realized this was what the kids wanted. They don’t wish to change. They hate change. Kids are creatures of habit- change to them is scary. They craved structure. They wanted stability. I learned that taking that away only made them feel neglected because they felt unimportant. Their keeping our family dynamic helped them cope. This enabled them to accept this abrupt shift in the home more gracefully.
3. QUALITY TIME
My biggest fear following the fear of receiving a lousy prognosis was that I wouldn’t be there for my kids enough. I thought, “How will I have the time to give them?” I quickly learned that I would never find the time if I were only looking for it. I needed to make time.
I also learned that the key was to keep it simple. My kids weren’t looking to go to an amusement park. They weren’t looking to go on a vacation. They wanted quality time with not only me but their father as well. So we did simple things like watching a movie in the living room and eating snacks. We bought a ton of board games to play with. Even though my husband couldn’t participate in some of the games, the fact that he was there physically helped all of us get through that day. We needed to stick together through it all: all the good and the bad days.
4. ASKING FOR HELP
When you are a full-time mommy, and that has been your job for the last decade, asking anyone for help was weird to me. I did it all, and all by myself. So why would I need anyone’s help?
Neighbors, friends, family, and church members would flock to our door and beg us to accept their offer to help, and I would gently decline their offer. Finally, after the second week of chemo, I prayed for help. Not only were our families and friends happy that we let them help us, but it also helped build a bond that could not have been made better and more robust without this unfortunate circumstance. We created a circle of trust with so many people. They are the ones who kept us strong. They helped us with dinner, laundry, and babysitting. Some offered prayers and thoughtful gifts. Looking back, there was no way our family would have gotten through the most challenging time of our lives without the help of so many.
5. TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
This one was the hardest for me to accept. I didn’t know how to leave my husband’s side. I wanted to be by him 24/7. He is my best friend. My sole mate. But doing that made it worse for me. At times I would feel overly anxious and stressed. I even made him feel more scared and worried.
When people told me to take a break, I thought – “what? Are you crazy?” – but they were right. I felt so selfish. I felt like I wasn’t a good wife. I had to force myself to get out and get some fresh air, but once I did, I could scream and cry and let all of my emotions out. You don’t realize how much you hold when you are the supporting wife and mom. I felt like an entirely new person when I was able to release all of the tension building up inside of me. I felt so much better. Self-care not only helped me relieve all that stress and anxiety, but it also helped me better my husband and my children.
